Jake's Take

Jakes Gets Bored

It's true.  I am bored out of my brains.  It seems I am at a unique point in my life where I am not working towards anything.  I have my degree, I have reached every short term goal I have set for myself, and now I have nothing to do but work and live.  I am not in a state of crisis because I have a great job and a great life.  But, luckily for me I picked a profession that just works for me.  It just comes easy for me and so I do it.  It's not particularly challenging and certainly not interesting.  But as long as it's easy I am going to do it...

But, that leaves me with nothing to do.  I need a new short term goal that doesn't involve any major life changes.  I need something challenging.  I usually only do things I am good at, and fortunately for me, I have discovered what I am good at so I don't have to do anything I am bad at.  And, when you spend time being good at what you are good at, you can pay someone to do what you are bad at.  That's my life's philosophy.  Well actually I think that's the basis of western capitalism, but who cares who came up with it first.

Anyways, I think I have my solution.  My next short term goal in life is to become a good cook.  Cooking is my worse nightmare!  It requires paying attention and following directions, and I can do neither effectively.  I have tried to cook in the past and screwed up because I just do what I think should be done even if the directions say otherwise, assuming I have read them.   Even when I am doing it right, there is a good chance I will forget what is going on and overcook or freak out and undercook.  I definitely have not set a timer.  I also have no interest in food.  I don't know the many kinds, and I don't know what works together.  I have been known to just make a casserole with pasta, meat, and a veggie just because I thought I needed meat and veggies in my life.  I am awful, awful, awful!!

So, I am taking cooking classes at the new school.  I am starting with a one day beginners workshop, and then I will move on to more complicated courses.  I may even complete a whole certificate program.  The goal is to host a full dinner party by next spring where I make a full several course meal that is complicated and delicious!  Then I will step my wine game up!

That's right...I am changing, trying every way I can.  I am changing, I'll be better than I am!

Wish me luck!

Making the Boyfriend

I love me some Making the Band.  I love me some Diddy.  I have said it many times before, but Diddy is just made for TV.  There's only one person I know of better suited for TV than he.  But enough about me...

Today I lunched with a friend who I hadn't seen in quite some time.  In the process of catching up he recounted some advice that I had given him over a year ago about some boy he dated and really liked, was weird and distant towards him.  He looked at me and said what?  Paula Abdul it.  rt '07.  I reflected further on the advice I gave him and realized that making a boyfriend is very much like making a band. 

First, someone is always ready to take your bed.  Until you have made the boyfriend, your bed is up for grabs, son.  Some folk don't act right.  They just don't, and when they don't, you have to have somebody ready to take their spot.  You have to keep the players honest, and more importantly you have to keep yourself honest.  If you are keeping your options open, you are less likely to put up with bullshit.  You end up doing it anyways, but it bothers you slightly less.  Ha.

Second, if the talent ain't up to par, go out and get a whole new batch.  Enough said.

Third, it's all about the boom kat!  Bring the boom kat!  I mean if you are not on your boom kats, you might as well kick yourself out of the house. Now, let's work.

I do love Making the Band, certainly much more than Making the Boyfriend.  Making the Band is about the process, Making the Boyfriend is about the end result.  Big difference. 

Jake goes to Six Flags...

and doesn't really know what the big deal about amusements parks is?  I mean, once you ride one ride you have kinda ridden them all.  They all go up, down, and around.  Some go quicker and higher, but they all result in the same feeling.  They try to trick you by letting you feet sway, or lifting you as if you are flying, or taking you backwards instead of forwards, but let's be real:  it's the same ish.  Just give me the good ole fashioned Great American Scream Machine, and I am good. 

But, sometimes you have to what?  Paula Abdul it.  How can you Paula Abdul Six Flags, you might be axsking.  It's not the ride, but the picture!  That's right, I go on each rollercoaster just to take a fierce picture.  It ain't easy either.  So here is how you take a fierce rollercoaster picture...

1.  Find the camera!  If it's your first time on a ride, don't sit in the front.  Duh.  Sometimes the first flash is your warning to get ready, and if you are in front you are done!  You have to anticipate.

2.  Actually, just assume that your picture is being taken all the way through.  No screaming, no making scary faces, and mouth closed at all times.  This way you can't lose.

3.  Don't lose your neck!  It is so easy to do when they lock you in with that big padded overhead thing, but you gots to focus.  You have to actively stick your neck out, and a slight tilt helps as well.

4.  Don't ride with ugly people!  Remember the photo comes back in 4s.  After going through all the effort to take a fierce picture, why would you let someone ruin that? 

Now six flags is fun!  At the end of the day you have a full portfolio of photos for Tyra.  Me, myslf, personally?  I can nail a scream machine photo any day and twice on Sunday, my Batman needs work, my Medusa is fine, not fierce, and my Kingda Ka is rather commercial.

Keeping it Real

Jake almost always keeps it real, but on Friday I decided to be realer than real.  I had the most ghetto night ever.  It started with a nice dinner at my favorite restaurant, where apparently there is a sushi chef that friends at work are trying hook me up with.  But, enough about that.  Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, but it's one of those places where the servings are that big.  I had a heart meal, but apparently my friends were left unsatisfied.

You know what's ghetto?  Having dinner after an already expensive dinner, but this time at a soul food restaurant.  You know what's more ghetto?  Ordering 4 deserts once you get there.  Why did I do that?  Because they were only $3, so I decided to taste everything my lil heart desired.  What's more ghetto than that?  Having the waiter tell you that they don't serve alcohol beverages, but that we could go to the corner and bring some back.  Even more ghetto?  Us leaving to go to the bodega and getting 2 40oz of Old English and St. Ides.  Even more ghetto?  Walking through the Village sipping on 2 40s still wrapped in paper bags back to the restaurant where we declined cups so that we could continue to drink out of the paper draped bottles.  Still ghettoer?  Everyone else around us.  Even more ghetto?  Giving the left over contents of the 40s to a bum on the corner.  Now that's what I call keeping it real.

Fun times all around.  I can't wait for the sequel... Next Friday. 

Jake Gets Attacked by a Pussycat

So the other day I was asked to feed my neighbor's cat for a few days.  I heart my neighbor, we are totally bestis, but I do not like pussycats!  I did agree.  These beasts are some scary things.  As soon as I walk in the door they freak out, but today we had a special incident.

These are some fat cats and they are on a diet.  I swear that I am not the one who put them on this diet!  But I was told to feed them like a quarter of a can or something ridiculous, but they seemed soo hungry and I didn't no if it was a quarter each or collectively. 

In any event, I finished the 2 cans left for me and this morning I could not find any other cat food.  Meanwhile, the pussies were going crazy.  They had managed to break into the bottom cabinet and turned over the garbage can to get to the discarded cans of food.  They were swirling around me and meowing.  I was freaking out.  I had no food for them.  So, I opened a can of Tuna and haled ass.  I hope they are still alive when she gets home tonight.  I mean, why can a cat have tuna?

Me and Posh

Are like this:  take your middle finger and put it over your index finger.  As you very well know Posh and Becks arrived in America last week and are driving the country crazy.  In a recent interview, here is what Posh had to say about fashion in LA as reported on TMZ.com:

Clearly looking to ingratiate herself to her new American celebrity friends, Mrs. Victoria Beckham gives her sloppy celeb counterparts a dressing down, saying to the L.A. Times, "They dress down quite a lot here, don't they? It seems to be in keeping to go to Starbucks in tracksuit bottoms and Ugg boots." She claims that she only has one pair of "tracksuit bottoms" that are only for "non-photographic opportunities" and that the only place she'd wear them would be "underground car parks."

Who agrees any more?  Those are the two fashion dont's I hate most.  Well, that and horizontal stripes.  Maybe people will listen to Posh because they don't listen to me.

Jake Joins Big Brother Big Sisters

I know, right?  I laughed when I typed it.  However, the other day I received a phonecall from a friend and she said that a friend's son had signed up for Big Brothers and when the friend asked that her son be given a black mentor they said they didn't have any!!  Friend says she immediately thought of me.  She must not know bout me, she must not know bout me, but I immediately signed up.  And, I sent the link to Shaka so he can sign up.

I am posting this here for all of you to sign up as well.  It is so easy to identify what is wrong with the world, but I am one who believes that if you are not a part of the solution you are a part of the problem.  And, it doesn't take much to be at least a part of the solution.  If we all take some interest in others and especially in children, as I have heard that children are the future, everyone will benefit.  So, click on that there link and do your part.  Each one, teach one!

Let me climb down off my soapbox and say this:  what in the hell am I gone do as a Big Brother?  I mean what do you do with them?  I have no idea how to entertain a kid.  I mean, can I just buy him something?  How much does it cost to entertain a kid these days?  I know I can feed a child in Zimbabwe for less than the cost of a cup of coffee.  Perhaps I can entertain a kid here for about the cost of a 40oz?

To me the best way to entertain a kid is with another kid.  I know when I think back to my childhood I don't remember any adults...at all.  I am sure they were there, lurking in the background, but all I remember is playing with my friends, cousins, and my my buddy doll.  It's like the muppets where you only see the grandma's legs.  Kids and adults did not interact in my house.  We weren't even allowed to eat with the adults! Every morning we had oatmeal at 7 and were not allowed to add any sugar, and then when we were done my grandfather would start cooking real food and we would just have to smell it as we played- so cruel.  We also couldn't be around during grown folk conversation, and grown folk is always in conversations.  And that kids, is why I am messed up.  The point is, I don't know how adults are to interact with kids beyond...boy, if you don't...

And, I am scared of kids.  They have germs, they are irrational, and they are fearless.  Not a good combination.  I think back to the things I would do as a kid and I cringe.  I think I am going to need some vaccinations, a helmet, a whistle, and a diaper (again, just in case).  Or, in the alternative, I may just ask to do all my mentoring over email!  That's new age BB BS.  Shouldn't the kids be in school anyways?

Update re: Green Shirts

The green shirts, previously blogged about here, have summer shirts!  They are now blue shirts.  Yikes!  I almost looked one in the eye before I realized.  I had to sheild myself.  Picture me walking to the elevator looking at my berry so I am not confused for a secretary and I look up and see a blue polo shirt.  The guy turns around and I was like nooooo, green shirt!!  My eyes, my eyes!  It's true.  Why do they need a summer shirt?  This is not UPS, and they work inside with AC. 

I also learned that the green/blue shirts don't really like the accountants.  One day I travelled to their territory (they have special hallways), and was able to overhear them talking.  When you are black, they don't stop talking.  They just carry on with their foul mouthed selves.  But one blue shirt had a crush on a new secretary, but she arrived and started dating a "suit."  I thought I woke up in a bad movie from the 80s.  He was pissed.  I don't know why!  Afterall, aren't we all the same?

Oh, how I love the green shirts.  Even more so when they are not stalking me.

What You Waiting For?

 

I haven't blogged in a minute, and I am starting to feel the heat.  It's love when people insist that I blog for their entertainment, but it puts the pressure on.  I have to deliver a blog as good as the last.  I know when I have a blog and when I don't.  I am an artiste!  A good recording artist knows when they have an album and when they need to go back in to the studio.  I thought I didn't have anything, and then I realized I have to blog my way through this...

Searching for inspiration

And in this situation, you have to turn to music.  I remember when Gwen Stefani went through this and she turned it into a first single "What you Waiting For."   I thought to myself...self you still still a super hot female, so go for it...

The blog...

Still don't really have anything to blog about.  I have been sick lately.  Remember that Dr who took a peek up my bum?  I told his bitch ass I had a sinus infection, but he was too busy feeling on my lady parts to prescribe me any antibiotics.  I finally have them after walking around for 3 weeks with a head full of snot.  He had me walking around looking like crackhead.  I had so much snot I could barely hold my head up.  Just dozing off and shit.

Meanwhile, I have been listening to a lot of Rihanna these days.  The album is everything!!  You know what I think though?  Jay-Z might just be a genius!  GENIUS.  I listen to the album and it's like somebody studied all the recently successful yet fairly talentless artists and made a full album of it.  For example.  Track 2:  Push up on me  is all Ciara.  Track 4:  Breaking Dishes is the diet coke of Beyonce's Ring the Alarm.  Track 6:  Hate that I love you is Irreplaceable ands everything by Ne-yo since Ne-yo (to me this is so radio friendly and would easily be a top 10 hit and maybe number one, but mainly because I feel like I heard this song all my life).  Track 7:  Say it sounds so much like Ashanti that I was confused (perhaps on trip).  All that is missing is some hip-hop beats like J-Lo, Mary, and Ashanti. 

Needless to say, I love it.  I love when artists aim to please and don't take themselves too seriously.  I love Gwen Stefani and Fergie for that the most.  I hate artists who think they are "artistes" and get all serious about it.  Best examples are Christina Aguilera and now Kelly Clarkson.  I want pop back!  I want that genie back in the bottle and I want Miss Independence back, but in music and not spirit.

Also caught the Charm School  Reunion.  Classic.  Dem dere girls is all kinds of crazy.  Why did Larissa's mom get on the stage as if she were gonna fight Mo?  I was like you need to be talking to your child as she is actin an ass on  the camera.  And, I don't think you really want it with Mo, who btw was clearly out of breath from...just talking.  Damn shame.  I say stop giving long made-for-tv soliloquies and you won't be fixing to pass out.  They had to give her a break so she could catch her breath.  I'm still laughing.  The irony of it all is that Mo talks about how the girls act on TV, but that's exactly what the hell she wanted/needed them to do.  How she gone be concerned about the message if, but for her, these girls would have slipped into obscurity a long time ago.  Over her.  Also, how do you start a business, a non-profit, and a put a down payment with 50 Gs?  I can't even pay my bar tab with that.

I am done.

Love you, mean it!

Jake goes to the Dr...creates a scene

That's right, yesterday was yearly physical time.  As I am new to NYC, I had to find myself a new doc.  Sigh.  Dr visits in NYC are different than I remember.  I was not quite prepared for my Doc to feel all on my bizznass and then tell me to turn around and bend over.  I thought to myself that this is not a routine check up, this is the Chelsea check up.  I just don't know how I feel about a little Asian man with blonde highlights looking up my bum. 

After that disaster, I had to go get blood work done.  I don't like needles, God knows I don't, but I agreed.  I go to the area where they take blood and I am immediately nervous.  I need to be in heaven to feel comfortable getting a needle.  Everything has to be clean, and everyone has to be clean and neat.  Sloppy looking nurses do not get to draw my blood.  Just ask the little man who tried to draw my blood yesterday.  I took one look at him and thought I don't think so.  I tried to stay calm and let the man do his job, but he didn't seem very understanding of my disdain of the needle.  He had the nerve to say "you are too big to be acting like this."  I said, "Oh hell no...what did you just say to Miss Millie?"  I stormed out and told my Dr.  They sent me a new nurse, who was lovely.